Archive for April, 2010

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A Thank You

April 29, 2010

I eyed the package with complete glee, carefully unwrapping the brown paper to reveal a shining silver tin beneath. Excitedly, I looked to Scott who sat at the kitchen counter. For some peculiar reason, he was nowhere near as loud and boisterous in voicing his own excitement over the gift, so I assumed him to be a silent celebrator. Pushing back my bewilderment to my love’s silence, I began to squeak repeatedly, taking off the tin’s lid with great care. My two labradoodles quickly raced to my side to be certain that I was not in any way hurt, sniffing the white tissue paper and card that lay inside. Once they finally came to the conclusion that I was beyond hope, they retreated to be with Scott instead. The three of them watched me as I giggled and squealed at the gifts, gushed over the note, and even broke out into a dance.

The gifts came from no other than the ever lovely Kim Moir, a dear friend and photographer who currently resides in Canada. Kim and I spend so much time talking over the social networking site, Facebook, that I have often made a tactless fool of myself by referring to others by her name in messages. Kim often refers to me as her mentor, something which I am so honored by. It has been an absolute delight to watch her learn and grow in this art. I am ever so thankful to have the privilege of calling her a friend, and so honored to call her a colleague.

Thank you ever so for the gifts, Kim. You are such a generous soul. Thank you, also, for always keeping me laughing and making me smile. What a wonderful friend you are.

xoxo

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The Quiet Moments

April 26, 2010

As of late, my soul has felt quite drained. After many days of ups and potential downs, I’ve found myself wishing ever so to pick up my camera and shoot…but hardly finding the strength within me to do so. It is a very peculiar and all the while sickening feeling, one that I cannot say I have ever felt before. I’ve felt these past few days that I would fancy more the idea of laying in bed all afternoon than pressing a shutter. The stories behind it all are long, complicated, and barely understandable to even myself. This past month has flown by me so quickly that my breath cannot even be caught on my lips. I inhale, but my lungs desire more. I exhale, but I feel too out of myself to even let a sigh escape me.

I found this image while going through the images of a wedding from last year. I often go back to view images from days long passed to find new favorites. I did not remember this image until my eyes beheld it after so many months. The bride had stopped in the middle of all the getting ready preparations to simply sit on this old rocking duck and think. Her eyes only traced the floor around her feet, as though she was reflecting back to another time. Her recently sprayed hair fell about her shoulders in fragile waves, her nails newly manicured and her face having upon it fresh makeup. She seemed sad almost, but only moments later a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she stood and made her way down the hall to change into her dress.

In between the busy moments of life, we should always have those quiet moments. I know that I need one now more than ever.

But we musn’t stay in them too long or we lose ourselves in our own reflections. Usually only a few moments will suffice. Usually. I wonder if perhaps I will allow myself to be an exception. My camera begs it of me…I beg it of me. There is a beauty in silence that so many of us take for granted.

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Posted in Daydreaming | 1 Comment »

Raw

April 21, 2010

Fabulous. Cool. Trendy. Modern.

I am none of these things. I think, for a short season in my life, I thought I was these things. Many of the photographers I surround myself are described using these words so for a while I think I was trying to fit a mold. Now, do not get me wrong, many of the people right now who are leaders in this industry have great followings because they have these traits. I admire their marketing and people skills, and there are a few of them who I admire simply as people and as friends.

But I could never be them.

I feel, though, as if I was trying to be among them. Now, I am not saying that I wanted to photograph the way that they did. I actually have made it a point to not put anyone on such a high pedestal that I wish to duplicate them. I adore my work and my own style. I love all my images. I never wanted to produce their images because, obviously, they are not me. I am saying that I was trying to be among their ranks, within that group of the industry leaders, movers and shakers, what have you.

I had a website for some time, one I dearly loved and am still fond of, that was dedicated to helping other photographers. But, while it was pure-hearted with transparent intentions, I began to wonder if it was taking me in the direction I was meant to go. If I continued with it, surely I would be sent to the top in a short amount of time. I would be the young gear-head who could have her own workshops and teach classes, and have a massive fanbase, endorsements and sponsors…

But the artist in me mourned.

I don’t want to be known. I want my art to be known. It may take me a lot longer to reach “the top” if that is where I am destined to be, but I want my art to take me there. Not to say that everyone else at the top hasn’t had their art aid them in their journey towards fame, but I do not wish to be known for anything else but my art. If ever I achieve notoriety, I want it to be because I am an artist, not a power marketer, strategist, gear guru, or anything else.

All of those things are lovely and absolutely wonderful, but there comes a time where I feel all of those things fade for me. I believe that only the art will remain because the industry is so changing and none of us live forever.  The gear becomes dated; people’s tastes change, and styles and fashions fade away. But art remains.

So I am no longer striving to be in anyone’s ranks. I am simply striving to create art. If I am famous for that, then I am quite happy. If I am famous for something else, then I have failed. But I will not fail, even if I am not famous. For I will be an artist.

I don’t want to be fabulous. I don’t want to be ultra-cool. I don’t want to be famous, even. I want to be an artist. And rarely is an artist any of those things.

Posted in Daydreaming | 4 Comments »

The Trophy Kiss

April 21, 2010

I looked him over in the parking lot of the gas station. In a week that is ever so busy and at times the slightest bit taxing, I found myself envious of him as he sipped contently on a green slushy. His hazel eyes eagerly bounced about the car as he tilted his head back and forth to the music, a song that by now I don’t recall. I was a bit distracted at the time.

I have placed my past behind me, but when the days seem dark it tries it’s hardest to sneak within the shadows. It brings in its basket self doubts, harsh words, and painful memories. Details are neither needed nor are they desired, but for a long time in my life there was a person who told me I was stupid…that I would not do anything with my life. In a raised voice they would say things over my life that would ring in my ears for days on end. I was crippled by the abuse and the pain, blaming myself as tears stained my pillows before I feel into troubled slumbers. As incredibly dramatic and almost cliché and cheesy as that may sound, it was my reality for a time too long.

That person is gone from my life now, and my heart has been healed and restored by God alone. I live a life surrounded by people who uplift and encourage me. I wake up happy and refreshed every morning, thankful for so many beautiful things. But, some days I am weaker than others. When there is a huge amount of work to do and I cannot seem to fathom how I will get it done those words come back to me, faint echoes in my recollection. I start to wonder if perhaps I cannot do it all, ponder if maybe I am in the same breathing space as the grime of the earth.

“I love you.” He said, offering me a shy smile as we sat beneath the Oklahoma sun in my Honda. I could not help but to smile back at him, noticing a perfect place on his cheek for me to place my lips. When I pulled away I noticed a deep red lipstick mark on his cheek, feeling red of a different kind fill my own face.

“Dear, you have a large lipstick mark on your cheek.” I sunk back in my seat as he adjusted the rear view to see the damage my Covergirl had done to him.

I began to formulate the words for an apology, but the words wouldn’t come from my lipstick smudged mouth as he sent a boyish grin my way.

“It’s a trophy.” He stated proudly before turning attentions back to his slushy.

For a girl who was hurt and broken for so long, hearing a man tell you a kiss mark on his cheek is a trophy is a very strange but all the while beautiful thing. I am ever so happy to have a man in my life that is not embarrassed or put off by my lipstick marks, but instead proud of them. Every woman who’s ever been broken deserves such.

Posted in Day to Day, Daydreaming | 1 Comment »

Two

April 19, 2010

I took many photographs today while out shooting with a group of friends and colleagues on a shoot that had been planned a few weeks before. But there were two that stood out to me, one being black and white and the other being color. Oddly enough…I could not imagine the black and white image being in color and would not care much to see the color image in any other form than what it is in now. Monochrome would not do it the correct justice.  I won’t speak much on either of them, much preferring them to speak for themselves.

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Posted in City Life | No Comments »

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